Household Hints from Hilary

If you’re a slob like me, it’s hard to find the time to clean house after a long day’s work.  Or ever.  And even with a semi-regular housekeeper on the payroll, the mess can pile up quickly (ususally from fifteen minutes after said housekeeper leaves up until the next time she comes).

Except for that one special day each month when I’m driven to scrubbing my faucet fixtures with a toothbrush, I don’t clean very well or very often.  I can’t be bothered to wipe that blob of hair gel off the bathroom mirror, even though I know I caused it.  I don’t sweep or dust regularly, and the noise of the vacuum frightens me, like a house cat.  Even when I come home with a pristine new piece of technology, promising myself that this time, I will honor the sleek and unblemished beauty of my new iPod, or Apple keyboard, one month later, its formerly infinitesimal crevices are bursting with stray hairs and food crumbs.  (Sorry, SJ.  RIP.)

So, how can a Messy Marvin like me give household advice to a bunch of neatniks?   (And by neatniks, I’m mean those of you who clean your fridge more frequently than on presidential election years.)  Well, as they say, out of chaos comes order.

Take, for example, my innovative approach to Car Fresheners.  Unlike store-bought fresheners, my innovative Tangerine-Scented Car Potpourri is up-cycled, organic, and fully compostable.  Just eat a tangerine while driving, throw the carcass on the floor, and voila–citrusy freshness that will last for days! (or until it starts to mold over).

Mmmm, tangerine-y.

Or what about Sock Mopping?  (Patent pending.) Who hasn’t wished there was a way to clean up those trouble spots on the kitchen floor without the hassle of dragging out the mop and  bucket?  Now there is!  Simply step in the water you’ve just spilled (and if you’re like me, you’re pretty much always spilling water) then use the toe of your sock to rub away the sticky spots.  Sure, your sock will be a little damp and dirty afterwards, but suck it up, wuss.  You want to see damp and dirty?  Try hanging out in an underwater Vietnamese prison, like these guys.

Waah, your sock is damp.

My third helpful hint is called Godfathering, inspired by Francis Ford Coppola’s classic film.  Having a problem with household pests?  Why waste all the effort it takes to walk all the way to your bathroom to flush a squished fly down the toilet, when you could just leave him there and send  a message to his friends?  I don’t think the other flies will be too keen on buzzing around your desk lamp when they take a gander at their pal’s corpse in the windowsill.

This fly's decaying corpse is also a "teachable moment" for the children.

The last cleaning innovation isn’t mine, but if it were real, I would definitely buy it.  The one and only  Swiffer Sleepers, by the geniuses at SNL.  Seriously, someone should sell these.

"Not recommended for children with allergies."

Published by hilarywgraham

TV writer, screenwriter, author

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